it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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