when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
