just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
