I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
