I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
