Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
please come you make the beer taste better
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
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