I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Randomize
