I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
