I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
