do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
