my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
