we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
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