The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
soo... how was my night?
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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