My friends, they love my intelligence
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
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