2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Life without a bra equals bliss.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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