Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
