I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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