My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
