WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
