He uses pillows to masturbate.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
