I will die if light touches me.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
there is glitter all over my balls
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
