I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
