I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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