shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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