honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
