I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Randomize
