Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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