i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
