dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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