...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
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