Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
i now understand why vodka
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
