Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
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