I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
