It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
