so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
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I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
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Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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