And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
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