So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Randomize
