that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Randomize
