So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
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He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
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