My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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