His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
my vag is so smooth its legendary
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
