I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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