i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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