i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
