Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
