walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
