Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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