I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
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