I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
You have to summon your inner elephant
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
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