my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I have surprise drugs for everyone
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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