Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
