ya dads aren't the best wingmen
i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
i already hear my dad disowning me
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize
