How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
I am invincible.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.