Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
25 Shocking High School Scandals You Won’t Believe Are True
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
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More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.