i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.