Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.