Texts From Last Night

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  (248): View more from Michigan

  They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.

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  (248): They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking. http://tfl.nu/97aw
  Replies (9) Good night (633) Bad night (2357)
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  (619): View more from California

  its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.

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  (619): its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite. http://tfl.nu/gcjl
  Replies (7) Good night (3268) Bad night (647)
• Favorite

  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.

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  (978): your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop. http://tfl.nu/x1i9
  Replies (12) Good night (5408) Bad night (1023)
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.

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  (314): Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced. http://tfl.nu/yqud
  Replies (14) Good night (6297) Bad night (874)
• Favorite

  (516): View more from New York

  Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice

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  (516): Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice http://tfl.nu/slww
  Replies (24) Good night (7261) Bad night (1596)
• Favorite

  (602): View more from Arizona

  JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.

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  (602): JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS. http://tfl.nu/m8yh
  Replies (10) Good night (1458) Bad night (850)
• Favorite

  (563): View more from Iowa

  I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?

  (208): View more from Idaho

  Beautiful, beautiful reality

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  (563): I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality? (208): Beautiful, beautiful reality http://tfl.nu/pfhr
  Replies (3) Good night (2099) Bad night (582)
• Favorite

  (714): View more from California

  The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.

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  (714): The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet. http://tfl.nu/xgey
  Replies (12) Good night (2448) Bad night (990)
• Favorite

  (434): View more from Virginia

  Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.

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  (434): Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care. http://tfl.nu/ksws
  Replies (4) Good night (887) Bad night (367)
• Favorite

  (317): View more from Indiana

  This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.

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  (317): This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me. http://tfl.nu/qrey
  Replies (3) Good night (913) Bad night (393)
• Favorite

  (812): View more from Indiana

  You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup

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  (812): You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup http://tfl.nu/kydl
  Replies (4) Good night (405) Bad night (579)
• Favorite

  (952): View more from Minnesota

  I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.

  (952): View more from Minnesota

  Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.

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  (952): I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face. (952): Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him. http://tfl.nu/f0ba
  Replies (3) Good night (610) Bad night (271)
• Favorite

  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile

  (1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

  FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile

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  (570): Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile (1-570): FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile http://tfl.nu/2z1a
  Replies (0) Good night (1021) Bad night (311)
• Favorite

  (720): View more from Colorado

  You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.

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  (720): You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life. http://tfl.nu/97ba
  Replies (2) Good night (577) Bad night (284)
• Favorite

  (678): View more from Georgia

  when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets

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  (678): when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets http://tfl.nu/rbr4
  Replies (3) Good night (901) Bad night (336)

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