I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
