Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
