A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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