i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
