I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
