I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
