I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
